i am so sick of my life right now....
my parents think im screwed in the head... the want to me to see a shrink
lol ha funny maybe becasue i keep things bottled up all the time it makes me crazy i dont know and i dont care....
i got a message from matts yesterday it hurt and now i dont know how to feel
my friends .... what would i do wihouth them??? i dont know but i do know what i can do without them eitrher,,,, it sucks
but i am sorry to be torn between 2 people
its not my fault
this is not regarding people from ym school !!! :)
i want to leave..... im so sick of my life atm
school si an escape from which my life revolves around
i have so much to do so little time
and i dont know how im going to do i t all
my life is like a twisted ass slinky
i dont even think my mum likes me anymore
everyday when i leave for school i sweaer she celebrates
im scared
i have started having nightmares again
of someone coming inot my room, at night
but i know it s a dream
and i have dreams of being alone..... og being left in the dark...... to be in a black hole and which i cannot escape
i miss my father.... i know i shuodl not say those words.... but i do
it does not help when my nan keeps seeing my grandad sid everyday and telling me... it hurts to knwo my cousins have groqwn up without me....
the ball is soon... i showed my dad my ball dress last night... im not sure if i look nice or like a whale.,.. it's poofy At the back and so im ont sure.... the look on my dads face.... i dont know... if he liked it or looked like it made me look like a whale... thats how i felt.... and i still do
i have 3 weeks to lose some weight...
yay
bbbyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeee
Monday 28 March 2011
Tuesday 22 March 2011
i cant think straight let alone think
i had meningitus 3 years ago... nearly... to june
i was so scared i had never heard of it and it was happening to me.... it started with headaches and then the night i went to take my little borther to see the eagles at hungry Jacks i had a heachache and next day BAM!!! i got sick
it was the weirdest thing to ever happen to me... my doctor told me my brain had swelled up twice its size and if i had not gone to the hospital when i did. i would have died of a brain hemooraghe on the right side...
my doctor and friends think i surivied it casue i was lucky... im not so sure.... i have not been the same since, my family can tell when i try to do simple things... but my memory is really good.
sometimes i wonder if it ever went away... my brain scans show everything is as it should be... but in my own head i know it is'nt and it makes me find it difficult when i try to explain things... and so thats a problem
... it was a sick feeling of being in a rollercoaster and everything is moving to fast for you to see it... to feel as if your brain is going to explode and any movemet triggers a slash o f apin in your head neck and face... no body should have to go through meningiuts.... i hope i never have to again... it was so fucking terrifying... and when i tell my firends that it's been another year they think aww wow thats good... i know the dont really care.... sometimes i wonder if me dying would have been better for everyone... no... i had to much to live for and i dont regret saying that... i only wonder that wheni feel so low in my life.... :(
i was so scared i had never heard of it and it was happening to me.... it started with headaches and then the night i went to take my little borther to see the eagles at hungry Jacks i had a heachache and next day BAM!!! i got sick
it was the weirdest thing to ever happen to me... my doctor told me my brain had swelled up twice its size and if i had not gone to the hospital when i did. i would have died of a brain hemooraghe on the right side...
my doctor and friends think i surivied it casue i was lucky... im not so sure.... i have not been the same since, my family can tell when i try to do simple things... but my memory is really good.
sometimes i wonder if it ever went away... my brain scans show everything is as it should be... but in my own head i know it is'nt and it makes me find it difficult when i try to explain things... and so thats a problem
... it was a sick feeling of being in a rollercoaster and everything is moving to fast for you to see it... to feel as if your brain is going to explode and any movemet triggers a slash o f apin in your head neck and face... no body should have to go through meningiuts.... i hope i never have to again... it was so fucking terrifying... and when i tell my firends that it's been another year they think aww wow thats good... i know the dont really care.... sometimes i wonder if me dying would have been better for everyone... no... i had to much to live for and i dont regret saying that... i only wonder that wheni feel so low in my life.... :(
Monday 21 March 2011
ha sweet
now.... i dont see the big deal about blogs.... technically the freak me out and everyone kept going on about them so i might as well have one too! wow what friends do to you!!! :)
well it was my mums 40th birthday on friday.... now i know for a fact that many people dont see that as a big deal and all ... whoo a person turned an age.... but what is an age really??? another year thats past so we can just getr older and evenutally die... is a reminder that another year is closer to our deaths??/ i dont know and i am happy for my mum to turn 40...
people dont undierstand what it means for me for my mum to turn 40... they think its great... they never ask about how i feel about it or what my thoughts are.... everyone just thinks that my life is perfect... to an extent....
now i know my friends have blogs and i dont care if they read it.... but there are a lot of things on my mind that i cannot share with them.... let alone think them in my head....
okay my mum is 40 with moya moya... great... but i swear she is getting worse.... she may seem happy and alive all the time... but i think she is depressed becasue she admits it's just another year before she dies.... moya moya is an uncruable disease with no cure,.... some of my friends know to the extent of that but im not going into it...
when my mum turned 40 i was so happy... but so sad... she said she could take her moya moya away and give me another 10 ytrsof my life back..... but i dont want to... i want to believe it's making me a stronger person for when she dies... i dont think i can.... i cry all the time.... it hurts and nobody understands... no body fully understands another person... even your good friends.....
my unlce jerry is dying of Melonoma a cancer and he said he got to attatched to his daughter when she died... how can you not get attatched to people if their your familty.... hee said i needed to be strong for when she goes... or else i will not get out of a dark pit... in which uncle jerry has still not escaped... he said it will engulf me and i can never get out... he cries... not fo fear or despari but of anger and sorrow... how can our loved ones be taken so cruelly?? it is not fair and so many people are lucky to appreciate what they've got...
i know this a blog and i can saywhat ever but yeah...
my friends are my helpers, my friends.,... i can nearly tell them anything... but they still backstab eachother... and maybe me but i dont care. as long as i am here all year and d o good and go to uni i wont b a fialure anynmore... ui will prove my dad wrong... he thinks i am a failure... and i do too....
i admit that i am fat... casue my whole family remindds me,,, i try to block it out but it does'nt work.. i try to do good in school but it;s never good enough and so that is pressure on me that is smothring me... i want to go to uni just so i can leave... i cant wait to finally leave and LIVE!!!!
so yeah... i cannot wait
i beleive it will make me stronger but i dont know
i am strong in the physical way but mentally i am as screwed up as a twisted slinky
thanks for reading
well it was my mums 40th birthday on friday.... now i know for a fact that many people dont see that as a big deal and all ... whoo a person turned an age.... but what is an age really??? another year thats past so we can just getr older and evenutally die... is a reminder that another year is closer to our deaths??/ i dont know and i am happy for my mum to turn 40...
people dont undierstand what it means for me for my mum to turn 40... they think its great... they never ask about how i feel about it or what my thoughts are.... everyone just thinks that my life is perfect... to an extent....
now i know my friends have blogs and i dont care if they read it.... but there are a lot of things on my mind that i cannot share with them.... let alone think them in my head....
okay my mum is 40 with moya moya... great... but i swear she is getting worse.... she may seem happy and alive all the time... but i think she is depressed becasue she admits it's just another year before she dies.... moya moya is an uncruable disease with no cure,.... some of my friends know to the extent of that but im not going into it...
when my mum turned 40 i was so happy... but so sad... she said she could take her moya moya away and give me another 10 ytrsof my life back..... but i dont want to... i want to believe it's making me a stronger person for when she dies... i dont think i can.... i cry all the time.... it hurts and nobody understands... no body fully understands another person... even your good friends.....
my unlce jerry is dying of Melonoma a cancer and he said he got to attatched to his daughter when she died... how can you not get attatched to people if their your familty.... hee said i needed to be strong for when she goes... or else i will not get out of a dark pit... in which uncle jerry has still not escaped... he said it will engulf me and i can never get out... he cries... not fo fear or despari but of anger and sorrow... how can our loved ones be taken so cruelly?? it is not fair and so many people are lucky to appreciate what they've got...
i know this a blog and i can saywhat ever but yeah...
my friends are my helpers, my friends.,... i can nearly tell them anything... but they still backstab eachother... and maybe me but i dont care. as long as i am here all year and d o good and go to uni i wont b a fialure anynmore... ui will prove my dad wrong... he thinks i am a failure... and i do too....
i admit that i am fat... casue my whole family remindds me,,, i try to block it out but it does'nt work.. i try to do good in school but it;s never good enough and so that is pressure on me that is smothring me... i want to go to uni just so i can leave... i cant wait to finally leave and LIVE!!!!
so yeah... i cannot wait
i beleive it will make me stronger but i dont know
i am strong in the physical way but mentally i am as screwed up as a twisted slinky
thanks for reading
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