now.... i dont see the big deal about blogs.... technically the freak me out and everyone kept going on about them so i might as well have one too! wow what friends do to you!!! :)
well it was my mums 40th birthday on friday.... now i know for a fact that many people dont see that as a big deal and all ... whoo a person turned an age.... but what is an age really??? another year thats past so we can just getr older and evenutally die... is a reminder that another year is closer to our deaths??/ i dont know and i am happy for my mum to turn 40...
people dont undierstand what it means for me for my mum to turn 40... they think its great... they never ask about how i feel about it or what my thoughts are.... everyone just thinks that my life is perfect... to an extent....
now i know my friends have blogs and i dont care if they read it.... but there are a lot of things on my mind that i cannot share with them.... let alone think them in my head....
okay my mum is 40 with moya moya... great... but i swear she is getting worse.... she may seem happy and alive all the time... but i think she is depressed becasue she admits it's just another year before she dies.... moya moya is an uncruable disease with no cure,.... some of my friends know to the extent of that but im not going into it...
when my mum turned 40 i was so happy... but so sad... she said she could take her moya moya away and give me another 10 ytrsof my life back..... but i dont want to... i want to believe it's making me a stronger person for when she dies... i dont think i can.... i cry all the time.... it hurts and nobody understands... no body fully understands another person... even your good friends.....
my unlce jerry is dying of Melonoma a cancer and he said he got to attatched to his daughter when she died... how can you not get attatched to people if their your familty.... hee said i needed to be strong for when she goes... or else i will not get out of a dark pit... in which uncle jerry has still not escaped... he said it will engulf me and i can never get out... he cries... not fo fear or despari but of anger and sorrow... how can our loved ones be taken so cruelly?? it is not fair and so many people are lucky to appreciate what they've got...
i know this a blog and i can saywhat ever but yeah...
my friends are my helpers, my friends.,... i can nearly tell them anything... but they still backstab eachother... and maybe me but i dont care. as long as i am here all year and d o good and go to uni i wont b a fialure anynmore... ui will prove my dad wrong... he thinks i am a failure... and i do too....
i admit that i am fat... casue my whole family remindds me,,, i try to block it out but it does'nt work.. i try to do good in school but it;s never good enough and so that is pressure on me that is smothring me... i want to go to uni just so i can leave... i cant wait to finally leave and LIVE!!!!
so yeah... i cannot wait
i beleive it will make me stronger but i dont know
i am strong in the physical way but mentally i am as screwed up as a twisted slinky
thanks for reading
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